Helping Your Child Adjust to Preschool: Separation Strategies for Parents

Starting preschool is an exciting milestone, but it can also bring big feelings for both children and their parents!  Some children walk into school without looking back, while others cry, cling, or feel nervous about saying goodbye. Both reactions can be completely normal. 

The good news is that there are things you can do to help prepare your child (and yourself) for preschool, make drop-offs easier, and support them as they adjust to this new routine.

How to Talk About and Prepare Your Child for School

Start by presenting preschool as something exciting and positive.  Let your child know how excited you are for them to go to school. Tell them a little about what you know: their teacher’s name, activities they might enjoy, or toys you think they will like. You might say something like: “You get to go to your own school, just like [someone they know]. I can’t wait to hear all  about your day when I pick you up!” Try to frame school as something they get to do, rather than something they have to do. You can also emphasize that it is something they get to do independently while reassuring them that you will be back to pick them up.

Don’t keep the separation a secret, but try to talk about it in a neutral, matter-of-fact way. Explain that you will drop them off and pick them up without suggesting that school might be scary or that they are likely to miss you. Of course, if your child expresses concerns or seems apprehensive, it’s important to respond to those feelings. But when you first introduce the idea of preschool, it can be helpful to approach it with the assumption that they may be excited and ready to give it a try.

If Your Child Is Nervous About Preschool

If your child expresses worries or asks questions about being away from you, here are some ways to help:

• Reassure them that Mommy, Daddy, or their caregiver always comes back.

• Let them know that you will miss them too, but that you are also excited for them to     have new experiences at school.

• Focus on things you genuinely think they will enjoy. If your child isn’t especially interested in making friends yet, don’t talk about meeting other kids.  Talk about activities, toys, books, art projects, or other things that may appeal to them.

• Acknowledge their feelings. You might say, “I know it sounds a little scary. It may feel hard at first, but I really think you’re going to love school once you get used to it.”

• Create a special connection.  Some children find it comforting to have a physical reminder that you are thinking about each other. You might both wear a special bracelet or even tie a small piece of string around each other’s wrists and explain that it can remind you that you are thinking about one another during the day.

Teach Your Child Simple Coping Strategies

Even with preparation, your child may feel upset at some point. Before school begins, you can teach them simple strategies they can use when they feel nervous.

For example:

• A simple mantra: “Daddy always comes back,” “Mommy always comes back,” or “I’m okay.”

• Deep breathing: Try “smell the flower, blow out the candle.”

• Model coping: Let your child see you use self-talk to calm yourself when you are feeling nervous or worried.

• Simple distractions: Counting or naming colors can help shift a child’s attention.

Keep Mornings Calm and Predictable

Try to create a consistent morning routine so your child doesn’t feel rushed or surrounded by tension before school. This includes building in enough time for breakfast, getting dressed, and using the bathroom. The goal is to help your child arrive at school feeling as calm and prepared as possible.

How to Say Goodbye at Drop-Off

Your child looks to you for cues about how to interpret a situation. If you appear extremely worried or uncertain, they may assume there is something to be afraid of. As difficult as it may feel inside, try to act confident and matter-of-fact.  If you seem confident, they will likely feel safer.

• Keep your goodbye brief and predictable. You might say: “Bye, cutie! I’ll be back in a little while. I can’t wait to hear about your day!”

• Don’t sneak out without saying goodbye, but don’t make a big deal out of leaving.

• Try to avoid showing your own ambivalence, sadness, or anxiety if possible. Those feelings are completely normal but sharing them with your child may make the separation feel more frightening.

• Try to say goodbye in a similar way each day so your child knows what to expect.

What If Your Child Is Crying and Clinging?

This is often one of the hardest parts of starting preschool for both parents and children.  Having a plan for how you will respond can be very helpful.  It will get easier!  If your child is crying and clinging to you:

• Give them a quick hug.

• Tell them you love them.

• Reassure them that you will be back soon.

• Then leave.

Try not to prolong the separation, even though it can be incredibly difficult. Waiting, returning for another hug, or repeatedly trying to leave can sometimes make the anticipation of separation even harder.

Before school starts, consider making a plan with your child’s teacher or the school director about how you can check in and hear how your child is doing after you leave.  If your child is struggling, you and the school can work together.  You may decide to come back sooner and gradually increase the amount of time your child stays at school.  But try not to immediately return because your child screams or cries.  Give them the opportunity to experience a full separation, at least for a little while, to see whether they can calm down with comforting and distraction.

There Is a Wide Range of Normal Reactions

One of the most important things to remember is not to read too much into how the separation goes.  Children vary enormously in how they respond to starting preschool, and their reactions may not be consistent from one day to the next.  A child’s reaction is not a measure of how attached they are to you or how good a parent you are.

Many factors can influence how easily a child separates, including experience and temperament.  Some children may:

• Separate easily right away because they have had experience being away from their parents, have watched older siblings do it, or simply have an easygoing temperament.

• Cry at drop-off but calm down quickly once they are engaged in an activity.

• Have a much harder time separating and continue crying for a longer period.

Children who struggle more may have less experience with separation, may be particularly sensitive to their parent’s emotions, or may simply have a more reactive temperament.

Even children who have a very hard time separating can learn to separate successfully. They may simply need more time, consistency, and support.

How to Greet Your Child When You Pick Them Up

Try to arrive on time or even a little early. It can be difficult for a child to watch other parents arrive while wondering when their own caregiver is coming.

When you see your child, give them a big hug and let them know that you were thinking about them and were excited to hear about their day.

If your child seems happy, give them a big hug and ask them about what they did.  Keep in mind that even older children often have difficulty reporting on their days, so ask a few specific questions (e.g. did you play with the blocks?  Did your teacher read a book?) and then try to stop asking.  Try not to make their first days of school seem like too big a deal- you will learn more over time.  Let the conversation develop naturally.

If your child had a hard time separating, greet them warmly and acknowledge their feelings.  You might say: “I’m sorry that was hard for you. I missed you too, but I really think you’re going to love school once you get used to it.” Let your child know that it’s okay to feel scared or nervous and remind them that you always come back.  Talk to them about what they can do next time to help themselves feel better.  Practice coping strategies with your child.  Playing pretend games with stuffed animals where they get to practice separating can also be helpful.

A Few Things to Consider

• Try not to talk about a particularly fun activity you did while your child was at school that might make them feel they missed out. Instead, you might mention ordinary things such as shopping, cleaning, or work.

• Avoid focusing on activities you did with a sibling while your child was away.

• If you are comfortable with it, you can give your child a little treat or toy that you “saw” while they were at school and that made you think of them.  For some children, this can be a comforting reminder that you were thinking about them even while you were apart.

• If possible, try to schedule 10–15 minutes of focused one-on-one time with your child later in the day. Even a short amount of undistracted attention can help your child feel connected after spending time away from you.

Helping Yourself

Starting preschool can be emotional for parents too. Taking care of yourself during this transition is important not only for your own well-being, but also because children often pick up on how their parents are feeling.  Try to distract yourself after drop-off. Make a phone call, get some work done, meet a friend for coffee, exercise, take a walk, or watch a show.  It can also help to remind yourself why you decided to send your child to school in the first place. You may even want your own mantra.

Try to remember:

• Don’t compare your child’s reaction—or your own reaction—to anyone else’s.

• Every child has different experiences and a different temperament.

• Separation can be hard for both of you, but lingering or showing uncertainty can sometimes make it harder.

• Children often cry when a parent leaves but become happy and engaged soon afterward.

• Some children may cry again when you return simply because seeing you reminds them of the separation. That doesn’t necessarily mean they were upset the entire time.

If your child continues to struggle significantly after several weeks or months, consider seeking additional support from the school or a therapist who can help you develop ideas for easing the transition. Sometimes, a little extra support can make a meaningful difference.

Good luck. You’ve got this- and so does your child!